Sunday, May 8, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
To you it may suck -but to me it.s awesome...
So it.s been awhile hasn't it. But having spent the last few weeks reading my friends blogs, I have finally decided to brush the dust off and update this old thing again...
I have done a lot of reflecting the last little while, trying really really heard to see the good parts and small victories in my life. (Most of you who know me - be it a for a couple of years or my whole life , know that this is a tough thing for me to do) and I am not gonna lie it has been a long tough and at times frustrating experence .. but let me tell you it has been worth every bit of it!
Now two things will happen -
I have done a lot of reflecting the last little while, trying really really heard to see the good parts and small victories in my life. (Most of you who know me - be it a for a couple of years or my whole life , know that this is a tough thing for me to do) and I am not gonna lie it has been a long tough and at times frustrating experence .. but let me tell you it has been worth every bit of it!
Now two things will happen -
1. You are bord stiff and don't care about me and my vitorires and are in the process of shutting you internet window now..
or..
or..
2. You are intrigued and wish to continue reading .. Well in that case - here you go...
Ever since I can remeber I have wanted to do the craziest things.. things that when I asked if I could, was given a flat out no.. or laughed at with a ' you know you can't I mean come on your legs don't work.. so why try if you are going to fail ' attached to it.. so for year's I have smiled and succumbed to the fact that all the 'cool adventure filled stuff of life' would always be a dream for me. So while the 'me' the world saw was just get by - making sure I did my hardest to please those around me .. The 'me' in my head - had/has become this self confedent/ assured kick ass side of me that I have been told could never happen. Until this year ...
As meny of you know I have started this new adventure - or chapter if you will .. of my life with a bang - going from thinking all the exercise I would ever need was walking form point A to B and back again.. to working out 8 times a week... I have received a whole range of reactions to this sudden change .. from ' Wow your crazy,, to You inspire me.. and even some 'Your obsessed - where and what are your priorities...' The first two I laugh at and smile at, encouraging those who think they can't that they in fact can ( i mean if I can then you have no excuse) .. the last one however has been bugging me and I feel the urge to explain away...( so this being my blog I'm going to .. so there ;-P)...
It's hard to explain to people what it's like to have the lower half of your body - rebel against you on a regular bases , to spend more time on your face in public then you do standing... to not be given the chance because 'you are different' .. unless it has happened to you -- you will never understand .. Doing things (or at least trying...) that are 'normal' to everyone else has always been a dream of mine.. So when I was given the chance to do these 'normal' things with people that were willing to make it work and at times have been excited for me has been a blast. Let me give you an example most of you can jump right ? Well I could never without falling over -- so when that random day happened that I jumped and stayed upright.. I cried .... this simple action is something I had watched everyone around me do my whole life -- and now I was one of them! -- Same thing goes with the ever dreaded burpee... I would watch my friends and other 'classmates' all around me fall and spring back up again - only wishing 'man I would give anything to do that' - well 8 months after I 'jumped' I can do a burpee! - I now can do something I never thought was possible ... at the end of the day .. for 8 hours a week .. I am as 'normal' as it gets - no ones see's my disability - nor Do they care - and if I fall they laugh, ask if I.m ok and help me up. For 8 hours a week - there are no double standards - if I 'm to slow - I'm told to go faster- if I'm coping out I get called out..For 8 hours a week I am just like everyone else.. it's awesome :)
But working has also lead to some other awesome adventures.. One of the biggest ones.. my anger does not control me anymore - sure- do I still get angry; yes ..but now it's justified.. Now it has a reason, and trust me 'happy me' is way better then pissed I want to throw my fist through a wall me .. just saying...
It has also given me a lot more confidence in myself..*disclamer if this next part kills you .. it's so not my fault* ready?!
I am getting used to and kinda liking wearing stuff that makes me look like a girl... (dresses will never happen.. however and I still enjoy feeling comfy) but I like stuff thats fitted now.. I like the way i look it them! I'm a little late to the game but it.s true.. :) see here is proof!
So it has been an amazing year.. filled will experiences and adventures that I will never forget! I can't wait to see what things I will be able to do in the months to come! for all of you who have been a big part in helping me crawl out of my little protective shell thank you! Do me a favour though -- if I get the urge to crawl back in... kick my butt and tell me I can't.. Because the 'me inside my head -- she.s coming out to stay one of these days and I can't wait!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Mountain Tops and Valleys ....
What do you think of when you think of mountain tops and valleys? Imagine it for a second. When I think of them, I see clear blue sky- fresh air and a view as far as the eye can see. The valley’s however are deep and dark, and although at times could be peaceful are often not.
In my life- I have had amazing times on the mountain tops as well as my share of times in the valley. Everything is going amazing, life is awesome – then all of a sudden you step on a loose stone, and down you tumble back to the valley – you have worked so hard to get away from. At first it is disheartening as you look around realizing you are back at square one – and in front of you is the mountain. The summit so far away- it feels like it will be forever until you can reach it again. Eventually we all must get up, dust the dirt off and begin to start our journey. It may be a slow process but we are not meant to stay in the valleys forever.
Those of you that know me, have just read those two paragraphs, and are no doubtable wondering where this is coming from. Well keep reading and I hope you will get a better picture.
For the last nine years, most people would have considered me ridiculously negative. To me however.. the world was falling apart , and let’s face it reality sucked – everywhere you looked something was going on. I became very cynical to the world around me, and thought I did well at keeping it hidden. But like all things, it was seeping out of me and I had no idea. To me - I was on that summit fresh air in my face, blue sky around me. Life was good.
Then I was hit by a rock I had no idea was coming. I had met someone as blunt and straight to the point as I was. At that point I had known her for all of two months, but what she said to me that day hit home and made me stop and think. “ you know you are really really negative, like all the time’ This was the first time, someone saying that had ever gotten through.. I mean I had heard it before, but I brushed it off and thought nothing of it. I had come crashing down hard, back to this valley that – I thought I wound never see again.. I remember it clear as day – I looked up and said.. “ umm thanks .. but I have been like this for as long as I can remember- how can I change it?” She smiled and thus my visit in the valley was extremely short lived.
I was excited at this idea of change – but at the same time had this feeling that it was not going to be easy – nor was it going to be made easy for me. The first of many ‘assignments’ given to me- was to write down 5 things I liked about myself… easy right? – nope it was the hardest thing I had to do in a very long time ! -- not only did I have to write them down – so I had to see them… she wanted to see them to .. Let me tell you I sat for a long time that night trying to find 5 little things I liked about myself .. I also leant right quick that excuses were not going to fly.. I put a question mark beside an answer I gave.. said I wasn’t sure if I did it right.. I was told to come up with 5 more answers … every time I would take a challenge and give a reason why I couldn’t do it – it was shot down with a response I could not for the life of me ague with. It frustrated me to no end – only because I am sickly stubborn and I knew she was right. On the other side of it though it was awesome! – someone was finally pushing me to do and try things I never would have dreamed. For that I am and will forever be thankful for.
My fear of failure is still there – but this is the next thing I intend to beat off of me, It sounds little – but to learn and grasp the idea that to fail is ok, That it is really the only real way try new things. Is something I have been crippled by for a very very long time. This needs to stop and I am excited to see the outcome – when it does.
At the end of this long ramble – I can say this- I have been in my share of valleys – in the past 8 months. And by no means did I enjoy myself, however I can see now the reason for them. It is said that as mach as we would like to change the past we can’t. The only thing we can do is look back on it and see our mistakes and do our best to learn from them , and do better the next time.
So as I once again start my way back up that mountain – I can only hope that as I look back I will see my mistakes and do my best not to repeat them.
In my life- I have had amazing times on the mountain tops as well as my share of times in the valley. Everything is going amazing, life is awesome – then all of a sudden you step on a loose stone, and down you tumble back to the valley – you have worked so hard to get away from. At first it is disheartening as you look around realizing you are back at square one – and in front of you is the mountain. The summit so far away- it feels like it will be forever until you can reach it again. Eventually we all must get up, dust the dirt off and begin to start our journey. It may be a slow process but we are not meant to stay in the valleys forever.
Those of you that know me, have just read those two paragraphs, and are no doubtable wondering where this is coming from. Well keep reading and I hope you will get a better picture.
For the last nine years, most people would have considered me ridiculously negative. To me however.. the world was falling apart , and let’s face it reality sucked – everywhere you looked something was going on. I became very cynical to the world around me, and thought I did well at keeping it hidden. But like all things, it was seeping out of me and I had no idea. To me - I was on that summit fresh air in my face, blue sky around me. Life was good.
Then I was hit by a rock I had no idea was coming. I had met someone as blunt and straight to the point as I was. At that point I had known her for all of two months, but what she said to me that day hit home and made me stop and think. “ you know you are really really negative, like all the time’ This was the first time, someone saying that had ever gotten through.. I mean I had heard it before, but I brushed it off and thought nothing of it. I had come crashing down hard, back to this valley that – I thought I wound never see again.. I remember it clear as day – I looked up and said.. “ umm thanks .. but I have been like this for as long as I can remember- how can I change it?” She smiled and thus my visit in the valley was extremely short lived.
I was excited at this idea of change – but at the same time had this feeling that it was not going to be easy – nor was it going to be made easy for me. The first of many ‘assignments’ given to me- was to write down 5 things I liked about myself… easy right? – nope it was the hardest thing I had to do in a very long time ! -- not only did I have to write them down – so I had to see them… she wanted to see them to .. Let me tell you I sat for a long time that night trying to find 5 little things I liked about myself .. I also leant right quick that excuses were not going to fly.. I put a question mark beside an answer I gave.. said I wasn’t sure if I did it right.. I was told to come up with 5 more answers … every time I would take a challenge and give a reason why I couldn’t do it – it was shot down with a response I could not for the life of me ague with. It frustrated me to no end – only because I am sickly stubborn and I knew she was right. On the other side of it though it was awesome! – someone was finally pushing me to do and try things I never would have dreamed. For that I am and will forever be thankful for.
My fear of failure is still there – but this is the next thing I intend to beat off of me, It sounds little – but to learn and grasp the idea that to fail is ok, That it is really the only real way try new things. Is something I have been crippled by for a very very long time. This needs to stop and I am excited to see the outcome – when it does.
At the end of this long ramble – I can say this- I have been in my share of valleys – in the past 8 months. And by no means did I enjoy myself, however I can see now the reason for them. It is said that as mach as we would like to change the past we can’t. The only thing we can do is look back on it and see our mistakes and do our best to learn from them , and do better the next time.
So as I once again start my way back up that mountain – I can only hope that as I look back I will see my mistakes and do my best not to repeat them.
Pain is a good thing - it means your not dead yet
So it has been awhile since I have bloged.. but after a visit back to C-port hanging out with old friends I thought it was time. A lot has happened in the last year. Am I still dealing with the darkness of my past - yes I have discovered that there is much more in there then i first realized and it will take longer to get through then I thought. But I am, even if it a slow long up hill battle I am doing it - day by day taking steps forward - in hopes to finally someday be free of the stuff that holds me back from so much.
But enough of that.. Life has gotten really cool in the past year. let me try to explain- the best way to describe it I think is I have begin to see life as a gift - everyday we have as a gift - and I am learning to try new and exciting things! I have found some really solid friends out here in DV that have helped me down this road of metal change. To help me go from the ' well that's really rad but I can't because of this thing or that' to well let me try and see what happens! and I love it ! I have recently started going the Gym - now all of you who read this are all like - 'what no way not dawn - she's all eww nasty exercise!' But let me tell you I LOVE IT! boxing and kickboxing and MMA ( all things i thought I could not do ) i am doing -- i mean ya some things need to be modified sure but even in the last month I have gone from not being able to knee the punching bag - because I could not get my leg high enough .. to I can knee it now ! it is such a wonderful feeling ( even the small things) the confidence it gives you in yourself is amazing! - to look at the people that see nothing but the disability and say 'screw you hippie ! I can do it- it may be slow but I can - do not under estimate me !" it is such a wonderful feeling!
Ya I am still trying to figure were I fit in this whole ministry thing - but luckily I have amazing people mentoring me and are willing to see me succeed in where GOd has called me to be! I just need to be open and more willing to ask and see and not just assume - it is not an option because physically I may not be able to to A. B or C. God has a place for all of us.. we just need to see today as a gift and run with it and do all we can to make it the best day we can. Will there be days that suck - heck yes - that's life but we have two choices we can reflect and learn or we can dwell and not move forward. .. I admit I used to sit and dwell and feel bad and this that and the other thing - but now I am trying really hard to see what I can learn from the days that - are crap and do better next time .. this is a heard thing, but at the end of the day all we need to do is just remember that Our Dad owns all and is way way bigger then anything we think is tough! And He loves us even if we mess us ! in short HE IS AMAZING BECAUSE HE LOVES ME FOR ME - WITH ALL MY FAULTS AND FAILURES ! He is the best Dad ever !
I found this Quote the other day and i think it sums it up..
“Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control."
But enough of that.. Life has gotten really cool in the past year. let me try to explain- the best way to describe it I think is I have begin to see life as a gift - everyday we have as a gift - and I am learning to try new and exciting things! I have found some really solid friends out here in DV that have helped me down this road of metal change. To help me go from the ' well that's really rad but I can't because of this thing or that' to well let me try and see what happens! and I love it ! I have recently started going the Gym - now all of you who read this are all like - 'what no way not dawn - she's all eww nasty exercise!' But let me tell you I LOVE IT! boxing and kickboxing and MMA ( all things i thought I could not do ) i am doing -- i mean ya some things need to be modified sure but even in the last month I have gone from not being able to knee the punching bag - because I could not get my leg high enough .. to I can knee it now ! it is such a wonderful feeling ( even the small things) the confidence it gives you in yourself is amazing! - to look at the people that see nothing but the disability and say 'screw you hippie ! I can do it- it may be slow but I can - do not under estimate me !" it is such a wonderful feeling!
Ya I am still trying to figure were I fit in this whole ministry thing - but luckily I have amazing people mentoring me and are willing to see me succeed in where GOd has called me to be! I just need to be open and more willing to ask and see and not just assume - it is not an option because physically I may not be able to to A. B or C. God has a place for all of us.. we just need to see today as a gift and run with it and do all we can to make it the best day we can. Will there be days that suck - heck yes - that's life but we have two choices we can reflect and learn or we can dwell and not move forward. .. I admit I used to sit and dwell and feel bad and this that and the other thing - but now I am trying really hard to see what I can learn from the days that - are crap and do better next time .. this is a heard thing, but at the end of the day all we need to do is just remember that Our Dad owns all and is way way bigger then anything we think is tough! And He loves us even if we mess us ! in short HE IS AMAZING BECAUSE HE LOVES ME FOR ME - WITH ALL MY FAULTS AND FAILURES ! He is the best Dad ever !
I found this Quote the other day and i think it sums it up..
“Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control."
Monday, May 18, 2009
that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....
I love simple things ... and it isn't very often that i get to be simple -- and do crazy things like singing Rudolph the red noise reindeer" in BP's just cuz we can it was awesome ! -- sadly it doesn't happen much ... I was life wasn't so complicated .. i wish i could be happy when i wake up and be ok with it not freaked by it -- i can't wait for that day .. there i days that i am the stupidest person ever ... just because I am messed up doesn't mean i want to stay that way... i really want to change -- i just suck at it .....
I am going to try to do better - I know i have to i know that negativity isn't cool - and i don't like it and i am not a fan of being stuck in it ... for those i may have upset i am sorry .. i really am ....
that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....
I am going to try to do better - I know i have to i know that negativity isn't cool - and i don't like it and i am not a fan of being stuck in it ... for those i may have upset i am sorry .. i really am ....
that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....
Sunday, May 10, 2009
theme???
I just found my theme for this past year ...
If you want to get out alive
oh, run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
If you want to get out alive
(If you want to get out alive)
oh, run for your life
yup yup that's it
If you want to get out alive
oh, run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
If you want to get out alive
(If you want to get out alive)
oh, run for your life
yup yup that's it
.....
I hate the saying " we all in one way or another become our parents ..." -- man if that's true -- i am so up a creek without a paddle it's not even funny ! today is mothers day - it is an awesome day - celebrating moms and what they do. it is also the day i am reminded THAT I WILL NEVER BE ONE ! this family ends with me -- and thats it - no more messed up kids -- i will be the last !
life is to damn short - why most we fight and wine over the smallest things - and then at the end of the day when the time is past and you realize it is way to late -- kick ours selfs in the ass and live with that giult for the rest our our lives ???? -- if anything has not the lost of a son, cousin, nefew , grandson - mean anything to you people .... I mean REALLY ?!?
every year I am reminded that this family - and all it's F-up-ness ends with me .....at least on this side anyway...
life is to damn short - why most we fight and wine over the smallest things - and then at the end of the day when the time is past and you realize it is way to late -- kick ours selfs in the ass and live with that giult for the rest our our lives ???? -- if anything has not the lost of a son, cousin, nefew , grandson - mean anything to you people .... I mean REALLY ?!?
every year I am reminded that this family - and all it's F-up-ness ends with me .....at least on this side anyway...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
